Ask a Psychologist: What are the Differences between Shame and Guilt? How to manage these painful emotions?
Differences between Shame and Guilt
Shame can be a deeply ingrained and highly unpleasant emotion for many adults. The feeling of shame often begins and develops in our childhoods. It can be overlapping and conflated with the emotion of guilt or embarrassment. Shame is more intense and destructive in that it requires a strongly negative self-evaluation.
Guilt can be helpful in getting us to re-evaluate our behaviour, change it perhaps and move closer towards our values and goals. It indicates that “we have done something wrong or inconsistent with our values”. Shame is more powerfully punitive, and more associated with a sense of helpless surrender to a thought we are somehow, irreparably defective or “bad” and consequently, a spiral into feeling inadequate, lesser than, or worthless. Shame tells us that “I am wrong / there is something wrong with me”.
Impact of Shame and Guilt
These emotions and their impact aid us in remembering how they were acquired or learnt when we were children. Guilt comes from instructive parenting where a negative event or ‘mistake’ might be considered for the behaviour that needs to change, rather than the child. These events are externalised.
Shame on the other hand, can be created by punitive, blaming parenting where a child is blamed for behaviour and told that they are wrong or bad. The mistakes are internalised. Often, in the latter case, there is an added loss of the child as they are not offered assistance or resources to cope with their emotions.
Guilt and shame exist across the spectrum of human emotions and are not mutually exclusive.
It can be helpful to explore these differences in therapy and reflect on how these emotions impact you. If you want to know more about how to manage shame effectively, read on.
Understanding the Emotion: Shame and where it comes from
Shame can be a powerfully toxic emotion. It has been associated with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, substance-use related disorders, trauma-related disorders and is strongly involved in maladaptive coping responses and behaviours.
Shame and its Antidote: How to manage shame effectively
Whilst the impact of shame can be life-long, our opportunity as adults to change our relationship with shame is also long-term process. Children who were shamed while growing up are likely to have experienced abuse, neglect, ‘tough-love’ and / or unrelenting expectations. The converse of this is flexible and consistent care, a non-judgemental stance, or curiosity and flexibility in our self-reflection.
It can be helpful to identify our shame-narrative or inner dialogue, and choose a more compassionate alternative script to increase self-acceptance and self-compassion.
Some useful sentences we might practice saying to ourselves might be:
“It’s okay to feel this way…. My emotions tell me that….”
“I am allowed to self sooth and right now I might like to…”
“I am only human and so this experience was difficult for me.”
“I am allowed to get help.”
Given that shame tells us that “there is something wrong with me”, shame often urges us to “hide” and “not to be seen”, contributing to various forms of avoidance: emotional or behavioural. These avoidant experiences in turn reinforces shame and thus the belief that “I am different” or “There is something wrong with me”. Most of the time, “avoid avoiding” is an important component to reduce shame.
How does a Psychologist fit in this journey
The above processes are often arduous and benefit from the assistance of a helpful psychologist. We could find it easier to initially experience compassion and modelling from another person, before being able to internalise the skills and practice self-acceptance for ourselves.
If you are looking for a Psychologist in Melbourne to discuss the above further, reach out to our friendly Client Support Team for a confidential chat to start.