Living a perfect(ionist) life: breaking down everyday perfectionism
What is Perfectionism?
Perfectionism is a term many of us commonly use to describe the things that we do, but what does it really mean?
Perfectionism describes a relentless pursuit of flawlessness – for things to be perfect. It is often accompanied by rigid, unrealistically high standards and reinforced by self-criticism. Having high standards can help us strive. However, when we judge ourselves by whether we meet them, we might find ourselves feeling frustrated, worthless or not good enough. Sometimes, this can immobilise us before we even begin. We might delay starting something because we have planned out each step so carefully that the process itself becomes unapproachable. Or perhaps as we move through these steps, our self-critical voice is so loud that it sends us back to square one. While holding ourselves to the highest standard possible might seem like a “good” (or even perfect) way to live, it might actually be holding us back.
So, why is it that this might feel like one big game of snakes and ladders, and without anything to climb onto?
Perfectionism can be understood as a vicious cycle – a pattern in which our standards, actions and self-criticism feed into each other and keep the problem going. We set the bar as high as we can. We need to score 100% on this test. This project at work must be the best we’ve ever written. Given how difficult (and sometimes impossible) these goals are to achieve, we might get stuck, avoid the task or procrastinate with other activities. Now, not only do we feel like we have failed, and more importantly the task is still hanging over us. This is where the self-critical voice often comes in. We blame ourselves, judge our efforts as subpar and tell ourselves that we must try harder next time. Even when we do meet the standard, we might decide it wasn’t high enough in the first place. Either way, we set the bar just as high, or even higher, next time. We fail to recognise that perhaps the bar itself is so far out of reach that no matter how high we jump; we end up back at the bottom.
What can we do about perfectionism or being perfectionistic?
The first step is to recognise it – notice when we might be setting ourselves up to fail by seeking to meet some unrealistic standard. A psychologist can help us step back and notice where we’ve set the bar. Is what you are asking yourself to do feasible? Whether trying to reach this perfect standard has worked in the past? If it did what were the costs? If it didn’t, could we try something different?
Next, a “good enough” standard comes in. Here, a psychologist could help to find a sustainable, in-between point that will allow for the task to be completed. Perhaps this could involve reading that email through once, instead of checking it again and again. Trying to make this project good, instead of the best. We aren’t giving up on success here; rather, we are trying to achieve these goals in an intentional, sustainable and realistic manner. We might find that when we set that bar a little lower, when we jump there is a space for us to land on.
Then we experiment. Let’s test the idea that these outcomes must be perfect by introducing our “good enough” standard into our lives. A psychologist can help us plan these experiments and work through the discomfort that might come with doing things differently. Together, you can look at what you thought would happen and what actually happened. You might find that you are managing to finish projects in reasonable timeframes. That you experience more openness in your day-to-day life. You could experience flexibility not as something that is intolerable but something that is adaptive.
Sometimes setting ourselves up to complete the perfect plan and achieve the perfect outcome is doing more harm than good. You might find that “good enough” allows us to finish the task, enjoy the process and have a little more space for everything else. Along the way, these high standards could come up from time to time – that is completely natural, these are long-standing patterns. Don’t panic – go back to the first step, notice it and start again. If perfectionism is getting in the way of your everyday life, a psychologist at the clinic can help you understand these patterns and work towards doing things a little differently.
For more information visit:
https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/looking-after-yourself/perfectionism
Finch, E.F., Choi-Kain, L.W., Iliakis, E.A. et al. Good Psychiatric Management for Obsessive–Compulsive Personality Disorder. Curr Behav Neurosci Rep 8, 160–171 (2021). https://doi.org/10.1007/s40473-021-00239-4
