Ask a Psychologist: Communication Skills 101

Interpersonal skills are one of the core components of our everyday functioning and are often covered in psychological therapy. There are many facets to interpersonal skills, e.g., initiating conversations, making connections, knowing when to disconnect from a person, knowing what we want, asking for what we want effectively, how to do so, what to say etc.

This article focuses on understanding what we want, and how to ask for them effectively. To start, we need to identify what we want. This may seem to be a simple question, however, it is often challenging to work out what it is that we want and asking for. To work this out, it is important to look at what we would like to achieve, rather than ‘wanting something’ so that we can avoid unpleasant emotions.

A simple example:

You would like your housemate to do the dishes. Rather than acknowledging that this is what you want, you may avoid asking and the unpleasant emotions of the potential conflicts (of asking), and do the dishes yourself. One may misunderstand that ‘keeping peace’ is what is desired. On one end, it is true that minimising conflicts is what one wants, however, there may be a deeper / more important desire that we do not want to ignore. In therapy, we take time to explore our emotions in a meaningful way, to help us understand what we want, with the hope that we can ask for what we want in a safe and effective way.

Learning skills in Therapy with a Psychologist

One of the barriers of asking for what we want is not knowing what to say and what words to use. Often, skills coaching is part of psychological therapy. You and your psychologist may work on a spiel or a script together, especially for emotionally charged situations. When developing a spiel of what to say when we ask for what we want (or say no to something), we can draw on the interpersonal effectiveness skills from DBT, in particular, DEAR MAN.

DEAR are acronyms that represent each step and component of what to say, and MAN refers to ‘how’ you do it and your attitude entering the interpersonal situation.

D = Describe

Describe the current situation, sticking to the facts. You would like to tell the person exactly which and what situation you are referring to, and that you are responding to.

E = Express

Express your feelings and opinions about the current situation. It’s important not to make assumptions about others knowing how you feel. You can name the emotions if you can, or you can express them in statements.

A = Assert

Assert yourself by asking what you want or saying “No” clearly. It is important not to wait for others to assume or guess what you want or asking for. Try to be as clear as possible, and make it succinct if needed.

R = Reinforce

Reinforce the person by giving them ideas and explanations of the positive impact if you get what you want or need. You can also clarify the negative consequences of not getting your needs met. Do not use threats or a threatening tone.

M = Mindful

Be Mindful and focus on your goals. Stick to what you would like, and notice how you feel. It is important not to be distracted and you can be a broken record if needed. You may have to ignore attacks, threats, comments, or attempts to distract you from meeting your needs.

A = Appear confident

Appear confident (even if you don’t feel like it) when you speak. You can use a confident tone and manner. Slow down and make good eye contact.

N = Negotiate

Be prepared to negotiate and be willing to give up something to get meet your current needs. If you get stuck, ‘turn the table’ by asking the person for other solutions to the situation, or reduce your request. Focus on what is effective, without minimising your wants significantly.

Other Barriers to communicate effectively

Emotions are one of the common barriers that are raised in therapy when working on interpersonal skills. Indeed, this sometimes is the core issues, in addition to not knowing what to say (above). While emotional management skills are not covered in this resource, you can discuss this with your individual psychologist, or look at other resources available.

If you would like to find out more about effective communication skills, or understanding further how and why you struggle in certain interpersonal domain, feel free to get in touch to speak to a psychologist to discuss further.